Talking in the darkness

I'm still worried about Syd and what path to take with him. At the IEP meeting I asked for an IQ test and a full psycho-educational work up. (October is turning into a long month. There is nothing quite like having to wait for others to catch up, while you try repeatedly to communicate what you see and fail because you are speaking Greek. I feel like Cassandra and that dude who said Beware of Greeks and their gifts.... just watching and waiting.) Thanks to his lack of work in one class and the health issues, I may get what I want. Now I pray for him to take the test and reveal his true potential. Today Syd entertained me by getting a hold of one of those steel manipulative puzzles. I showed him it could be done so Syd spent the remainder of our wait one upping me by taking it apart and putting it back together repeatedly.

Bella's different, so much like Daniel that I can't get into her brain. Hers is a motivational issue that I can't crack. I wish I could just get through to her. All Bella wants is to read and think all day. But I can't seem to unlock her brain and get to her motivational core. I speak to future, hopes, wants, desires, consequences, and so forth anything to get her attention. so far, nothing. At least Syd likes video games, I don't even have that with Bella. If only there was something that excited her. Sparked an interest. ANYTHING! I might feel more hopeful. I'm sure the answer is somewhere around the corner if I just watch long enough, she'll reveal the solution. More prayer and meditation and perhaps I'll see the solution glaring me in the face. Then again, perhaps Daniel will. He sees differently than me.

Talking about my worries sometimes feels like I'm complaining but, to me, I'm searching and analyzing. Looking for answers in the hope that I might stumble upon a the answers as I try to see the whole puzzle. I wish I could just pull Sydney and Bella and home school both... perhaps that is the answer. More analysis is needed. It's certainly easier than trying to work with the school. It irritates me to deal with people who aren't even close to my intelligence that won't listen to me.

A solution must be found. Perhaps in looking for the good in others, rather than their shortcomings, I may find it. Solutions are discovered in the unlikeliest places. Peace is found in accepting what is and striving to work within it.

Peaceful evening

Today was the first of two days of Fall break for Sydney. He played with his buddy and went to scouts. At the end of the evening, we read scriptures and then, The Lord of the Rings. Both children went down hard afterwards. Out cold in no time at all. Daniel and I spent a quiet evening just enjoying the quiet. Fall break feels good.

The day was quiet and calm. The children are asleep and have been calm all day. I like calm and quiet. I like hugs, smiles, and real play where everyone has fun.

My worries may still be on my mind but, I'm more at peace with them. Heavenly Father will do what he will do and I need to figure out how to play my role in His designs. I need to trust that things happen the way they are supposed to. Then just let go and watch God work in all of our lives.

Struggling tonight

I scored an A in each class and perhaps I'm just dealing with post vacation blues. But, tonight, I fight the inner darkness yet again. It's like if I'm not actively studying and into brain stimulation, I feel like I'm suffocating or starving.

Last night I managed to beat Syd at chess, it was difficult. (Then again, I'm not that good.) It's nice the kids are starting to come into their own. But they are still little people and don't see the long term. They don't know why I am as protective of them as I am at this crucial juncture.

Writing seems to be helping. Staying distracted does too. Tomorrow is Syd's IEP meeting and I'm not looking forward to it. More speech therapy without addressing the too gifted for his own good aspect. I have a 146 IQ and I can't keep up with him some days. How do I tell a room full of teachers, "By the way that boy has at least 30 IQ points on you, if not more." ? It's frustrating that I can't seem to communicate the urgency of intervention.

Then again, I fear the best intervention is to just pull him and let him teach himself. That's how Bella learns best. But Syd is far more social... I don't know how we managed a child with social skills when neither of us have any to speak of. The rare genius with social skills. He's a miracle and a conundrum.

Bella's much easier for me to understand. Lost in her own brain most of the time until roused by something that interests her. I'm half tempted to just get her a GED book and tell her she can go to college when she can pass the test. It may be the only way to get her through school. Either way, she's going to struggle with social skills until her age peers catch up to her. They might never do it.

Wow, this talking on paper really helped tonight. No wonder I was down, I'm worried. I just don't know what to do with them. Each path feels like a misstep.....

KMH

Term Nearly Over

It is hard to believe this term is nearly over. I walk away having learned much. It has been many years since I hugged a teacher. But I did tonight. Next Tuesday I will take all my finals and then get ready to start the next set of classes. I think I may try to take on more in the Spring semesters. I like A's but, I also like getting done in good time. Three a term, might be good. Then again, I do not want to burn out again... I need a good academic advisor who won't let me push too hard. If it were Danny, he would tell me that I needed to slow down and take only two a term. I should let that be my guide. three a term would have me graduated in less than two years. Two a term might be all I need.

One day and step at a time.

Evening Muse

Tonight I came home from class to my family. The dishes are still waiting to be washed, the laundry always needs rotating, and the kids needed my care. My husband does his best, but nothing replaces Mom.
Soon Daniel and I will be switching up our roles quite a bit. In the last few weeks Daniel has begun the process of applying for his master's program. We will both be taking part-time jobs and working to support the family while both of us complete our education. The work and preparations before us seem daunting but, I know this is the path we need to take. I feel a quiet peace regarding our plans and I think this will bring us closer together as a family. For now we scholarship search and watch to see what will happen.
Another road, another adventure. Who knows where this road will go.

Scholarship Hunting

Tonight I spent 3 hours scholarship searching... Often I wonder if this journey is worth it. Is it fair to my children, as well as to myself, to push forward with my education and finish my degree? I believe that it is a worthy goal. I finally feel at home again. This journey has taken me on quite an adventure. In about 2.5 years, I should finally finish. I walk this road for myself and to show my children the importance of completing their education.

Lately I have thought much about my final goal of a ranch where I could help troubled kids to work for a better life. It's idealistic, but, I have had this idea since I was in High School. this was my original 'dream job' and everything seems to be pointing me back that way.

One day, this journey will bring us to a resting point. For now, I take joy in the adventure of this journey.
Kellie

At the edge of a new day

It's 11:14pm and as today drifts into tomorrow, I contemplate the dawn. Due to my human relations class, and all the personality testing, I have pondered on what my core personality really is.

I'm still very much an INFP (Briggs-Myers). But I'm also a "Peaceful Phlegmatic" (Personality Plus). At my core, I am simply a painfully shy person who tries to live the law of consecration, every day.

With that description of myself, I feel an explanation of "the Law of Consecration" is on order. The law of Consecration is the idea/philosophy where I consecrate, or set apart, all that I have and am to the good of all mankind. This means I view worldly possessions and personal gifts/talents as the means to help others and make the world a better place. Ironically, that is the line my husband said that got my attention when we met the second time... that is probably why I married him.

I don't see myself in the individualistic manner of western thinking but rather in the collectivist view of eastern philosophy. Why? I have no idea... It is just the way I think.

Back to the contemplation of my personality, as an introvert I enjoyed the social gathering at school. That is I enjoyed it so long as I could sit quietly and interact lazily with a few others at a time. Ironically, part of my diagnosis includes "social phobia" because I refused consistently to go to groups made up of people who smoked while I struggled with my allergies. But I digress.

Introverts enjoy social gatherings, however, we enjoy to people watch and listen. Deriving our energy from our thoughts and solitude, rather than the crowded interactions with many others.

Just a few thoughts at the close of the day... As a new day fast approaches, knowing who you are at the core helps each of us to see the strengths and weaknesses of our personality and moods.

kmh

a Feeling of accomplishment

This morning I feel giddy and accomplished. I just finished editing my friend's life story. So often we forget to write things down for our children's children to come to know us. I think with this accomplishment, I shall work strenuously on my mid-term preparations and then finish the afghan waiting for me.

Each day is a new adventure, if we just look up and take hold of the wonder.

Killing Automatic Negative Thoughts

Dr. Amen said "Just because you have negative thoughts, doesn't mean you have to believe them."

http://store.amenclinics.com/books-and-media/media-type/cds/feel-better-fast-kill-the-ants-cd

In this CD he discusses teaching yourself to talk back to your brain to discard negative thoughts.

I like this CD. It teaches the same principles that our church teaches, when you have an unwanted thought get rid of it by choosing something better, something true.