Last week

Wow, Last week was unreal in all the ups and downs. I have two nieces with pretty heavy struggles, plus Sydney, AND I had two procedures. Monday's back injection was pretty routine but the pain that followed  was more intense this time. I'm not sure I'll do that again. Wednesday was the carpal tunnel injection. OUCH!!!! OH MY Goodness!!! Talk about not expecting the pain. holy cow!

I was all cool with the needle going in and when she injected I received almost instant return of sensation in my fingers and hand. But for the 48 hours following my wrist hurt like no tomorrow. And the interesting thing about this procedure was Vickie's repeated comments as to how atypical my symptoms were. I walked out of the Dr.'s office feeling my hand for the first time in ages. Grabbing the door handle for the first time after the injection was a mental geek out moment. I had to spend those days reprocessing sensation. It was a cool, painful, odd, and amazing experience. I'm glad to have my hand back. I'm grateful for modern medicine and what it has done for me.

My back has almost calmed down from the injections on Monday. At about the week point, I'm about right on schedule. I should to be all right by morning. This may be temporary but, it is also a gift. I have been able to move, sweep, take on work, keep up on chores, and keep up with the kids. My quality of life has improved exponentially. And so has our household efficiency. I'm not struggling just to think through the pain. Each day, I'm able to slowly take on more. It is another miracle.

The last year has provided me the freedom I stopped hoping for. I look forward to what we are doing next Thanksgiving.

Waiting to exhale

I posted this on my FaceBook yesterday. As it meant a great deal, I have posted here as well. Not that anybody really comes here but me. Here goes the news.

SYDNEY UPDATE! Sleep study scheduled. Jan 5-6 with Syd put on the cancelation list. Miracles happen every day and last night was no exception. Kimber, the scheduler/parent soother, was also up all night with a sick kiddo, her son. She said she thought of me all night and wondered at how Moms like me were able to do this night after night for so long.
She said she then heard my call this morning and called over to the sleep lab and pleaded on my behalf for them to call me immediately. I was called quickly.
I feel like we had a genuine Esther experience. With a whole community praying and fasting and then the miracle. God reminded Kimber of this mother as he once reminded a king of Mordecai.

Add on from today:
I slept soundly for the first time in months last night. All that stress melted away by just having a test date scheduled.

Good night darkness, I look forward to tonight's sleep too.

Kellie

Pain

Tonight is one of those nights where the pain is so great that my entire being cries out, "My God, my God! Why hast thou forsaken me!" Although I know He has never left me alone, or comfortless, my soul still cries out from the pain. I know tomorrow will be better but, tonight, I hurt. One day the Doctors will find a way to stop the pain, I know it. I have faith that this will one day end.

I just have to keep moving forward with faith and all will be well...

Kellie

Computer troubles... and life

My computer decided to take sick leave this week.... It took me a few days to remember how to get to my blog. :) Such is life. This week has been hard physically on many of the household; more migraines for me, Sydney has been a little more wiped out, and Daisy has been having daily seizures....
I'm grateful that Bella's migraines are under control and that Danny never gets sick. Sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest difference.

We baked our pumpkins this week. It was such fun. Bella and Sydney kept getting into the baked pumpkin while it waited for me to get it all processed. I love that they are just as excited to eat their Halloween pumpkins as they are to carve them. (If you carve late and don't use a candle, you can eat them.)

There are screams of playing and goofing off in the background.... "Mommy, help me...." I do enjoy their happiness more than anything on this planet.

Bella has tryouts for a local theater company on Monday. Sydney earned his Bear and will receive that on Wednesday. Bella will be presented with her Faith in God award tomorrow. AND Sydney received a letter from the Mars chocolate company, in response to his letter of inquiry. Bella's 4th grade teacher saw her on Halloween and commented on how much happier Bella is now. I agree, Both are happy and confident young people and I'm proud of them.

Kellie

Whispering in the darkness

Another Tuesday out there. It was good in it's own right. I started the outline for my speech and attended Spanish. It was nice to go because my friends told me how useful the quizlet information is. I needed that today because I was late addressing a migraine and it wasn't pretty. The pain was sufficient enough to make me vow to NEVER be without Immitrex on me again.

On the bright side, Bella has pulled her overall grade up to a 62% and completed 6 assignments today. I'm proud of the effort she is giving. Everyone remarks on how much happier she is. I agree. This is what she needed. I am what she needed. It's just hard to be there all the time. Although I must admit it is refreshing watching Bella come into her own. She's starting to ask questions and get excited about the hunt for information. I like that she is coming alive. We may just GED it with Bella and enroll her in college.

Even now, I'm barely finding peers. I'm so hungry for equal minds that I feel almost impatient for my children's maturity. It often leaves me forgetting to enjoy the now. And right now, Bella and Sydney are kids who are amazing people.

Sydney is starting to get along with his teacher. I may or may not have gone behind him and set up a safety net by letting the SpEd director know that the power struggle existed. I might have also informed her of exactly how sick he is and that we have another few weeks of waiting just for the sleep study. I was pretty sure that Sydney and the teacher needed assistance coming to terms with one another or everyone was going to have a LONG year. Sydney is already happier and has completely forgotten the conflict existed.

Parent-Teacher conference tomorrow. :) As sad as I am about Mrs. Larson leaving, I look forward to meeting Sydney's new Language teacher, he seems to like her.

well rested

Man! I have spent the greater part of the last two days asleep. Being sore and tired stinks. At least it was the weekend and I now have the energy I will need for the week. Here's to taking care of myself and being ready for the work of the week.

Halloween

Oh! What a night! I had all but forgotten how much fun Halloween is. From the Toyota Center, to errands at Wal-Mart, to Sonic's 50 cent corn dogs, to the Zoo, to DQ's free kid's cones (and chili fries, paid for)... Halloween doesn't get any better. Who cares about the candy! We had a blast just playing and going out on the town, as a family.

Just think, how often do we have holidays that encourage the town to dress up and go from business to business getting food and fun surprises. It is a time where one party will advertise for the next so that everyone can interact and have fun together. All for Kids and parents.

Business have the opportunity for advertising, parents connect with one another, and the town has the opportunity to feel like one big family. Truly, a blessed evening. I feel grateful. Sydney's favorite vendor was the Gideons, they were handing out Camo New Testaments (among other colors). although he got one last year, He had to have that one. Bella, she loved everyone and every thing equally. That is, until we got to her bunnies at the Zoo. Bella loves those Bunnies.

I, just love having nights like this. It was one big block party.

Speech class results

Wow, I took a minute and told my Professor how I felt that first day of class when I got up to read. She thanked me for telling her. It felt good to be transparent and to do well at something that terrifies me. I shared the highest score for personal introduction with only one other student. I was grateful.

I told Susan that I felt the worst was behind me. It makes me happy to know the stuff I'm good at, and NOT afraid of, is all that is ahead.

Susan also told me she could tell that I had had the urge to smack her with the book (a paperback). Her laughing it off helped ease my worries.

School seems a lot easier here. It feels like home.

Just wondering

I wonder what it would take to really tap into my intellect. I wonder what I would have to give up. Since this show Scorpion came on the air, I have batted around the idea of really tapping into my intellect for less mundane tasks. I'm thinking of getting a python and C++ book and try my hand at coding. Perhaps it's the bored housewife, or the unchallenged student in me. Or perhaps this show really does inspire as it was intended. I am truly curious about the possibilities.... They are infinite.

It was flattering to have the neurologist ask about my education. I knew my stuff and I knew it well.

Use of talents

Sometimes I wonder if I am using my talents or just letting them waste away. When there is a problem in the house, most often, I am the go to person. Tonight Mom couldn't get the remote to work. I walked in saw that the sensor was covered, uncovered the sensor, and moved the box. Problem solved in less than a minute. Although I often use my talents as a homemaker, everyday, I feel like I have not been true to my capabilities; my full potential. I wish I knew how to balance the needs at home with my need for using my talents in the wide world. You might say I'm bored stiff. One might also say, I'm wasting away in the mundane.

But lately, I have seen how my talents bless the lives of my family because I have the ability to learn anything I want to learn...
We needed a brick raised bed. I learned how to lay one and then built a raised bed that will stand for a long time.
We needed the bathrooms retiled. I asked people for instructions and then tiled the floor.
My son has been sick. I learned everything I could and presented observations that were respected by the Doctors because I explained things as an educated woman.
My Bella has many needs as a growing young woman. I have always been able to read up and find a way to teach and support her.
Each day I use my talents to uplift my friends and family, I grow. It's good to remember that talents applied to home life are not wasted, but rather expanded to cover a much wider range of tasks.

Although I am doing a great deal of looking ahead, for now I am content in m choice to be here guiding my children along their paths of life.

Public speaking class

On Thursday night, I learned EXACTLY what my class was about. COM131 Fundamentals of Speech Communications... Public Speaking Class... Our instructor, and the head of our little branch of NAU, asked us a lot of questions. Me being me, answered freely and honestly. THEN she had us read in front of the class. When I finally summoned the nerve to take my turn, she called extra attention to me. (I wasn't the only one she did this too. I was still mortified.) It is the first time I have EVER wanted to thwack any instructor with my textbook.

That was my public speaking nightmare come true. I took a deep breath, subdued my less than kind instinct, subdued the urge to try and shrink enough to hide behind the lectern, and read my paragraph. Then cracked a joke and headed back to my seat. 1 down, 4 to go. AND, one of them will not have an audience I have to look at because it is recorded.

I know I have to learn this but, MAN! I would rather take a philosophy (my, former, least favorite subject) class. To find the silver lining... I read, and read well. I DID control my less civil urge and it will be easier next time. That was the point of the exercise. Goal accomplished. Now on to personal introductions.

We need to use song lyrics within our personal introduction. I keep batting around the song lyrics, but really, the easiest approach is to write the speech; then slip in lyrics that fit what I want to say. One step at a time.... 2-3 minutes about me. It's a good thing I just updated my linkdn and Blogger accounts. I can skim material from those sources to create the introduction notes. Blessings abound. As do thoughts of sleep.... goodnight for now.

A rollercoaster day

It was the best of days. It was the worst of the days. I lost my Kindle Fire at the hands of my 9-year-old then, I found out I only have about a year left of school. I could graduate next December as long as I can keep going.

I almost cried, repeatedly, today. So many years, so many classes and I'm nearly there. Again, tears. I'm so relieved. No more philosophy classes, only one more history class, Spanish, and then I'm straight on to my major and keeping my promises (same promise to multiple people). My word is important to me.

Then what? research? a think tank (that idea makes me giddy)? A masters? Or perhaps just settling down and teaching the kids how to get along in society.... I really don't know what I want anymore.

As I told Sydney today, the whole world is before me (though I said you) waiting to be explored. I also told him that if he was ever caught cheating again I would drop him about 2 miles from the house, on the dirt road, and make him walk home. I didn't mention someone else would be walking with him, Danny graciously volunteered.

Like I said, a rollercoaster. It's too bad psych meds that stabilize also shut off access to my thinking processes. I could have used some help today. But, we all lived.

thoughts and Movies

I have spent the last two weeks really thinking and praying over the many decisions that will form my fate and the future of my family. With my IQ, I have always known I can do anything I want to do. I always have. Until recently my health (mental and physical) has presented many hurdles. Now, I have options and many doorways seem to be opening.

Right now the course I am walking will take me to the completion of my BS in Applied Human Behavior with an emphasis in entrepreneurship. So many roads lead out from there. I don't even know what I really want beyond finishing...

I went back to school to keep a promise to everyone. When I left school to get married those who sponsored me, my Mother, my Husband, and many others elicited one promise from me. "Finish school." I try to always keep my promises. If I stick this out, I will be done 2 years from December... Then what?

Too many possibilities. I looked into the going pure IQ route... Something odd happened when I began that; the tv got hacked and the first show on was IQ. My Mom tried to connect with me while watching this show. She explained that I was like Katherine and I needed to get in touch with my heart and let it guide me. I haven't thought much about her advice over the years, or the movie. But, this on Friday, I remembered all that she wanted for me.

Perhaps it's not possible, but I believe that anything can be learned, even emotion. The more I look into psychology, the more I am convinced that Bella and I have a shot at normal human interaction beyond our small circles. After all, emotion is just another language to master.

Perhaps that may be a path that I will take. learning to communicate to the general public and teaching those like me to apply their intellect to the practice of real connection with other people. It could flop but, if I succeed, my children will have a future with happy interactions that I had to fight for. OH! my Bella! if only I could have been motivated sooner, perhaps I could have cracked the code before now. For now, I do a lot of exposure to social situations and walk her through the normal cues and nonverbals that she is oblivious to and I learned the hard way.

Perhaps, one day, there will be hope. Now I watch helpless with only the option to homeschool until she's old enough for the GED.... So many thoughts. Once again, I see at the end of my thinking what path I want most. That which occupies my waking and sleeping thoughts, help my beloved children to cope with life. If I find it, and I usually find what I'm looking for, then I will have given my darlings the greatest thing a mother can; wings, and a future.... I will think on this more. I do like the train my thoughts are taking. But I still have time and anything can happen.

Talking in the darkness

I'm still worried about Syd and what path to take with him. At the IEP meeting I asked for an IQ test and a full psycho-educational work up. (October is turning into a long month. There is nothing quite like having to wait for others to catch up, while you try repeatedly to communicate what you see and fail because you are speaking Greek. I feel like Cassandra and that dude who said Beware of Greeks and their gifts.... just watching and waiting.) Thanks to his lack of work in one class and the health issues, I may get what I want. Now I pray for him to take the test and reveal his true potential. Today Syd entertained me by getting a hold of one of those steel manipulative puzzles. I showed him it could be done so Syd spent the remainder of our wait one upping me by taking it apart and putting it back together repeatedly.

Bella's different, so much like Daniel that I can't get into her brain. Hers is a motivational issue that I can't crack. I wish I could just get through to her. All Bella wants is to read and think all day. But I can't seem to unlock her brain and get to her motivational core. I speak to future, hopes, wants, desires, consequences, and so forth anything to get her attention. so far, nothing. At least Syd likes video games, I don't even have that with Bella. If only there was something that excited her. Sparked an interest. ANYTHING! I might feel more hopeful. I'm sure the answer is somewhere around the corner if I just watch long enough, she'll reveal the solution. More prayer and meditation and perhaps I'll see the solution glaring me in the face. Then again, perhaps Daniel will. He sees differently than me.

Talking about my worries sometimes feels like I'm complaining but, to me, I'm searching and analyzing. Looking for answers in the hope that I might stumble upon a the answers as I try to see the whole puzzle. I wish I could just pull Sydney and Bella and home school both... perhaps that is the answer. More analysis is needed. It's certainly easier than trying to work with the school. It irritates me to deal with people who aren't even close to my intelligence that won't listen to me.

A solution must be found. Perhaps in looking for the good in others, rather than their shortcomings, I may find it. Solutions are discovered in the unlikeliest places. Peace is found in accepting what is and striving to work within it.

Peaceful evening

Today was the first of two days of Fall break for Sydney. He played with his buddy and went to scouts. At the end of the evening, we read scriptures and then, The Lord of the Rings. Both children went down hard afterwards. Out cold in no time at all. Daniel and I spent a quiet evening just enjoying the quiet. Fall break feels good.

The day was quiet and calm. The children are asleep and have been calm all day. I like calm and quiet. I like hugs, smiles, and real play where everyone has fun.

My worries may still be on my mind but, I'm more at peace with them. Heavenly Father will do what he will do and I need to figure out how to play my role in His designs. I need to trust that things happen the way they are supposed to. Then just let go and watch God work in all of our lives.

Struggling tonight

I scored an A in each class and perhaps I'm just dealing with post vacation blues. But, tonight, I fight the inner darkness yet again. It's like if I'm not actively studying and into brain stimulation, I feel like I'm suffocating or starving.

Last night I managed to beat Syd at chess, it was difficult. (Then again, I'm not that good.) It's nice the kids are starting to come into their own. But they are still little people and don't see the long term. They don't know why I am as protective of them as I am at this crucial juncture.

Writing seems to be helping. Staying distracted does too. Tomorrow is Syd's IEP meeting and I'm not looking forward to it. More speech therapy without addressing the too gifted for his own good aspect. I have a 146 IQ and I can't keep up with him some days. How do I tell a room full of teachers, "By the way that boy has at least 30 IQ points on you, if not more." ? It's frustrating that I can't seem to communicate the urgency of intervention.

Then again, I fear the best intervention is to just pull him and let him teach himself. That's how Bella learns best. But Syd is far more social... I don't know how we managed a child with social skills when neither of us have any to speak of. The rare genius with social skills. He's a miracle and a conundrum.

Bella's much easier for me to understand. Lost in her own brain most of the time until roused by something that interests her. I'm half tempted to just get her a GED book and tell her she can go to college when she can pass the test. It may be the only way to get her through school. Either way, she's going to struggle with social skills until her age peers catch up to her. They might never do it.

Wow, this talking on paper really helped tonight. No wonder I was down, I'm worried. I just don't know what to do with them. Each path feels like a misstep.....

KMH

Term Nearly Over

It is hard to believe this term is nearly over. I walk away having learned much. It has been many years since I hugged a teacher. But I did tonight. Next Tuesday I will take all my finals and then get ready to start the next set of classes. I think I may try to take on more in the Spring semesters. I like A's but, I also like getting done in good time. Three a term, might be good. Then again, I do not want to burn out again... I need a good academic advisor who won't let me push too hard. If it were Danny, he would tell me that I needed to slow down and take only two a term. I should let that be my guide. three a term would have me graduated in less than two years. Two a term might be all I need.

One day and step at a time.

Evening Muse

Tonight I came home from class to my family. The dishes are still waiting to be washed, the laundry always needs rotating, and the kids needed my care. My husband does his best, but nothing replaces Mom.
Soon Daniel and I will be switching up our roles quite a bit. In the last few weeks Daniel has begun the process of applying for his master's program. We will both be taking part-time jobs and working to support the family while both of us complete our education. The work and preparations before us seem daunting but, I know this is the path we need to take. I feel a quiet peace regarding our plans and I think this will bring us closer together as a family. For now we scholarship search and watch to see what will happen.
Another road, another adventure. Who knows where this road will go.

Scholarship Hunting

Tonight I spent 3 hours scholarship searching... Often I wonder if this journey is worth it. Is it fair to my children, as well as to myself, to push forward with my education and finish my degree? I believe that it is a worthy goal. I finally feel at home again. This journey has taken me on quite an adventure. In about 2.5 years, I should finally finish. I walk this road for myself and to show my children the importance of completing their education.

Lately I have thought much about my final goal of a ranch where I could help troubled kids to work for a better life. It's idealistic, but, I have had this idea since I was in High School. this was my original 'dream job' and everything seems to be pointing me back that way.

One day, this journey will bring us to a resting point. For now, I take joy in the adventure of this journey.
Kellie

At the edge of a new day

It's 11:14pm and as today drifts into tomorrow, I contemplate the dawn. Due to my human relations class, and all the personality testing, I have pondered on what my core personality really is.

I'm still very much an INFP (Briggs-Myers). But I'm also a "Peaceful Phlegmatic" (Personality Plus). At my core, I am simply a painfully shy person who tries to live the law of consecration, every day.

With that description of myself, I feel an explanation of "the Law of Consecration" is on order. The law of Consecration is the idea/philosophy where I consecrate, or set apart, all that I have and am to the good of all mankind. This means I view worldly possessions and personal gifts/talents as the means to help others and make the world a better place. Ironically, that is the line my husband said that got my attention when we met the second time... that is probably why I married him.

I don't see myself in the individualistic manner of western thinking but rather in the collectivist view of eastern philosophy. Why? I have no idea... It is just the way I think.

Back to the contemplation of my personality, as an introvert I enjoyed the social gathering at school. That is I enjoyed it so long as I could sit quietly and interact lazily with a few others at a time. Ironically, part of my diagnosis includes "social phobia" because I refused consistently to go to groups made up of people who smoked while I struggled with my allergies. But I digress.

Introverts enjoy social gatherings, however, we enjoy to people watch and listen. Deriving our energy from our thoughts and solitude, rather than the crowded interactions with many others.

Just a few thoughts at the close of the day... As a new day fast approaches, knowing who you are at the core helps each of us to see the strengths and weaknesses of our personality and moods.

kmh